The aftermath: Archer’s grief is heart-rending

All four of my dogs have grieved in different ways over the past two weeks. Even though I was grieving, too, I was also watching them because I know grief can be devastating.

Riker was the first. Almost immediately he climbed up onto Paul’s spot on the sofa and curled into a little ball. He wouldn’t move for hours at a time, and I would have to pull/push him off the sofa and walk him outside. But that only lasted a couple of days. Then his therapy dog heart kicked in. Apparently all these people were coming to our house so he could love them. That finished his grieving.

I don’t believe Bashir was grieving for Paul at all. Rather Bashir was devastated because I was. When I could take a deep breath and calm myself he did too. But for two weeks he hasn’t allowed me out of his sight when he had any control of the situation. If he had opposable thumbs I would never ever be out of his sight.

Sisko earned his therapy dog stripes these past two weeks. At the worst of my grief, he stayed close, tried to take it all from me, and licked away the tears. Whereas so many puppies his age might have been worried or frightened, he stayed close.

Sisko’s protective instincts also kicked in at the same time, though. No one was going to touch me, hug me, or even get close if he had anything to say. Since I needed and wanted any and all hugs, we did have a discussion about those protective instincts. He’s still rumbling under his breath but that’s okay; he’s learning.

Archer didn’t react right away. But Paul often took business trips without Archer so a few days away from home weren’t too unusual. All the excitement, tears,and visitors didn’t bother Archer too much at first either. He’s bomb-proof and changes don’t upset him normally.

However, three to four days after Paul’s death, I would turn around and see three dogs but not the fourth. Archer would be up on the bed on Paul’s pillow. Then, after a couple more days, I would find Archer in Paul’s closet. He had pulled some clothes off the hangers, including Paul’s bathrobe, and was lying on them.

In addition, Archer began having moments that I could only call frantic. He would come to me, stare at me deep into my eyes, cry, poke me with his nose, and try desperately to communicate with me. I knew what he wanted, I knew what he was trying to say, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t bring Paul back.

At Kindred Spirits, we have two men who help us part time in the classes –  Jeff and Rich. When either of these guys walked into the yard, Archer would rush to them — without even looking back at me. He wanted some male companionship. So Jeff has spent a lot of time with Archer, walking him, playing with him, and working him.

In addition, Kate has been trying to channel Paul — copying his way of working Archer — and having Archer work for her. Kate also handled Archer at Paul’s memorial and he was calm with her. Wearing his service dog vest, his mind was in working mode and that steadied him. Other than when he snatched a peanut butter cookie from the minister’s hand, that is.

Unfortunately, when I see Archer so devastated I want to love him. I want to fix his hurt. But that’s not what he wants or needs. So keeping him well exercised physically and working his brain seem to be the best medicine at the moment.

Remember that saying that has been so popular, “It takes a village to raise a child’? Well, perhaps it takes a dog training village to alleviate a grieving dog’s heartbreak.

Photo credit: Paul and Archer. Photo by Liz Palika

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Helping dogs deal with grief: A tragically first-hand account

Gina note: When I read this post by Dawn McMahon, one of the trainers at Liz Palika’s her Kindred Spirits dog training center, on their Dog Sense blog, I knew we had to share it with our readers as well, Fortunately, Liz agreed.

On the heels of a tragedy that hit the Kindred Spirits family hard last week, I feel compelled to write about how stress can affect our dogs. Most of us have daily stresses that we deal with and are normal to our lives, and our dogs learn to read what is normal for us. After all, their lives revolve around us. They are keen observers of our behavior and know when something is not right. Some dogs are more perceptive and sensitive to anomalies in our behavior than others, but they all know when something is not right.

All dogs react to unusual stress in our lives differently, and according to their individual personalities and sometimes age. For example: Sierra, my 6-year-old Lab, handles stress differently than my 17-month-old Aussie, Raz. Sierra is my bomb-proof girl. She is laid-back and not much fazes her. Raz, on the other hand, is a teenager trying to learn her place in the world. She is at the challenging stage in her life and is a little more wary of her world. She is considerably more reactive to stress than Sierra. She has less experience in this world and is relatively new to our home.

When Paul Palika was killed, the lives of the entire Kindred Spirits family were thrown into turmoil. Our love and feelings of loss for our fallen family member permeates our lives right now, and  it is not only stressful to the human family members, but also to our canine companions. We are all devastated, and our dogs are having to figure out what is going on, and why we are all acting weird. This transmits our stress onto them.

For my own dogs: Sierra is reacting to the stress by acting really goofy to get me to laugh and play with her, cuddling up to me and sleeping. Now, these are all normal behaviors for her, but she is doing them more than normal. For Raz, this stress is much harder. She is more reactive than normal, wants to be protective and is being a little bitchy. She is really feeling the stress and does not know what to do with it, so she is offering behaviors she thinks are necessary.

What do you do when your stress adversely affects your dog? Well, for me, I try to stick to my routine as much as possible, and make sure I maintain the structure I have already provided of my dogs. I let Sierra be more goofy. I cuddle and play with Sierra more. She is not offering anything that is inappropriate. For Raz, I try to help her understand what is an acceptable reaction and what is not by following the rules I have put in place since we brought her home. I also make sure they both burn off their excess energy, both physically and mentally, so they can settle down and relax.

If you have unusual stress in your life or if things just get too hectic, take steps to reduce that stress for your dog. It may help reduce your stress, too.

Three things you can do to minimize the stress:

Stick to your normal routine as much as possible.Go for a walk. Get your dog tired physically.Work your dog’s brain. Do some trick training, puppy pushups, or play a game.

Right now, all of us here at Kindred Spirits are not only turning to each other, but to our dogs to help comfort us. Working with our dogs gives us a break from our sadness and helps us calm our minds as well as the minds of our dogs. Talking to them can be therapeutic because they listen to us without judgement. Hugging or loving on our dogs makes us feel loved, unconditionally. Playing with our dogs is diverting and fun. There is nothing better than spending quality time with your canine companion.

Image: Maggie, courtesy of Kindred Spirits

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